The broken strings of simple thinking

i always felt proud of the edge i "thought" i had over other people when it came to the power of thinking beyond measures. Feeling proud of the ability to tactfully manipulate my mind into thinking deep and beneath the lines. i would spend hours thinking about little things and connecting them with the most important and vital things in life. i would always think beyond the simple projection an object showed, for example, a rose was never reflecting on my retina as just a "Rose". it would bring with itself endless of questions, "why is this rose red", "why is that rose yellow", "why is one bloomed more than the other", "which one has more thorns and which one doesnt". well that was never the end, i would endlessly start comparing that with the life i was living, like how some people are just naturally charming, brighter and more intelligent then others,how the division of pain and failiure was so uneven and God knows what else. It was like thoughts bombarding into one an another, like a crash on a high way. see, im doing it again!

well, im better now, as my thinking has matured, ive realised that ive lost my threshold of absorbing my own thoughts. i now want to give up this ability of profound and endless thinking. i want to be surfaced. Think on a single strand of thought. i want to see things as just what they "are", nothing more nothing less, because this endless thinking just traps me into more of it. its like of those pleasures that can never really be tapped into. i try to keep my mind busy in things that "actually" exist now, God,family, friends and life in general. i forgot to mention,myself too! i dont want to be a philosopher! i now envy people who think on a single surface, a single layer. who just accept and reject, who dont give in to absorbing,understanding,comparing and reflecting. I want to give up this trait of feeling on extremes, because i think too much. i feel pain at extremes and tangle myself up in all kinds of thoughts that shouldnt matter. Theres no use. The thoughts i have our only for me to enjoy and God to laugh on. i dont think i have an audience that has the time or taste to enjoy how "i" think. so do you think the ability to savour philosophy is a blessing or a surfaced thinker plays it safe??

does goodness promise goodness

Ever since childhood I’ve been a victim of my mother’s knowledge and beliefs. Her constant push had been on an idea of how goodness was everything and how goodness always gave u goodness in return. I grew up to be very sensitive towards the feelings, opinions and emotions of other people. I would spend endless nights worrying and feeling guilty if I hurt someone or was rude in anyway. Luckily, times changed, because I started thinking for myself. I grew up! I learnt that No, goodness does not guarantee goodness in other people and you can’t inculcate it into them either. I would compromise, give in and make all the effort but no, no sign of goodness. It’s an art that comes to you naturally. After miserably failing at the idea of discovering goodness in people, I gave in to the darkness of this world.
If goodness always gave goodness in return then it would be a chain reaction and the whole wide world would be pure of all evil and filled with goodness. There would be no envy, no hatred and no anger. Unfortunately, the world isn’t about this. I stopped seeing any point of being nice to people who were not nice to you, to forgive people just because they were the great god’s creation. I started losing the thoughts I once owned. I found no pleasure in trying to embed goodness in others, because I would just see mere disappointment.
I would get hurt every now and then because my expectations would be crashed and I would get disappointed. Time today has lent me a great perspective, I believe that goodness is just for yourself, I don’t mean personal goodness, but the goodness you have for others. I firmly believe that respecting other people and being good to them is actually paying respect to you. Goodness is actually a feeling from within; it should have no strings of hope, expectation or a return. That is in all terms pure and selfless goodness. This world in all my imagination is a personal journey and man at one point is just with himself. I learnt that if I do things for other or compromise for others it should be out of selflessness not because I expect them to turn around and give me some of their goodness. This world is a selfish place and man has disappointed man since history. So do you think goodness guarantees goodness or is it a gesture that’s usually disappointed?